Humans more attached to Staplers than to Paperclips

Gluestonbury –  English Scientists have recently found out that if asked which piece of stationery they would rescue in an emergency, over 57% of male employees between the age of 23 and 42 would answer “Stapler“. Women, on the other hand, prefer “Hole Punch” (63%). The study has been conducted in a stationery shop in London and was funded by “Welsh“, a local company producing sticky stationery stuff.

Mrs Hammersmith, a 62 years old pensioner from Swansea, commented: “I don’t know what these people think, wasting money on such studies! Don’t they have better things to do? I mean, it’s pretty clear that the best thing about an office are the paperclips, no need to conduct a study, I could have told you right away. But nobody asks me anymore. I’m a pensioner now, you know, and I have pains everywhere. You will find out soon enough! All I want is some respect. Respect for the elderly people! This country is getting worse every year! […]” and so on, etc.

We asked Professor Box what that would mean for the future of the United Kingdom: “Well, young man, this study clearly shows an upward tendency of the demand for violent pieces of stationery. What it means for us as a nation? I can tell you. It means that our fellow UKonians are becoming a ruthless, violent people and we have to stop it. We seem to going back to cavemen times. We can only stop this backward development by banning staplers as well as hole punchs from the offices. Use more paper clips. They’re safe.”

– Z

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